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*I share this, hoping that my struggle (and the source of my hope) might be an encouragement to any struggling mom of littles.*
It took me almost 6 years to look at my children and really, consistently FEEL that they are blessings. Now that my youngest is 3 1/2 and we’ve lived in the same apartment for almost 2 years, I can finally look back and process what actually happened during those years and take regular delight in the current moments.
Those were crazy years. They were physically, spiritually, and emotionally draining years characterized by over 4 years of deputation (no consistency or reliable schedule and being constantly “on display”), little sleep (due to being pregnant, nursing, or caring for toddlers—sometimes all three at once, and usually all in 1 room of someone else’s house or a hotel), and seemingly-endless mundane tasks (including figuring out where I could get supplies and what I could feed my family upon our arrival at every single mission house, hotel, or even rest stop!). Then, throw in an international move complete with language learning and many other changes. I was whooped.
I walked through many dark (personally) times during those years. I generally saw my children as a burden that made every step of my fluctuating life more difficult and demanding—even though I knew God said they were His gifts. Escaping from them and the responsibilities God had given me sometimes seemed like the only answer to my overwhelmed spirit. In other words, I didn’t really believe God.
Thank you to the many friends who commiserated with me, exchanged Bible verses, devotional thoughts, prayer, and helpful articles, and who laughed with me through the craziness. Several verses gave me assurance and conviction to continue plodding along and carried me through the dark times—giving me rest and a renewed spirit.
First, I needed verses to speak truth to me about children.
I knew that God only gives good gifts (James 1:17 “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”), and I knew that He says that children are gifts that He gives (Psalm 127:3 “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.”). The fact was that even though my children didn’t seem to be good gifts to me (even though I didn’t believe them to be), God says they were.
My definition of “good” made the difference.
My view of “good” was that I would have a nice, easy life. But, God says that “good” means that I am being changed into Christ’s image (Romans 8:28-29 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.).
But being changed into His image hurts! I had to constantly remind myself of the truth that God is doing good (even in the matter of the timing and nature of my three children and crazy life)—no matter if it looks like it to me or not (Psalm 119:68 “You are good and do good; teach me your statutes.”).
I needed verses to remind me to choose to do right and obey God, no matter what I FELT like doing.
I was to love my children, no matter if it was easy or hard. I used to think everyone loved their children naturally, but I came to believe that there was a reason Titus 2:4 was written. It was just for me (“Train the young women to love their … children.”) The love I was to have for them didn’t have to be all warm and fuzzy. It had to be the conscious choice to serve them no matter what (1 Cor 13:4-7 “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”).
I was to speak kindly to them, even if they tempted me to be violently angry (Proverbs 31:26 “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.”).
The interesting thing is that God seems to give those warm and fuzzy feelings *after* I’ve chosen to faithfully practice love and kindness (even though it sometimes takes time).
I needed verses to remind me that I already had the tools to obey. I had all that I needed in order to do what God asked me to do.
At one point, I asked a friend to pray because I desperately needed patience with my children. She pointed out that I already had access to it through the Spirit who is dwelling inside of me—since patience is one of the fruits of the Spirit. It was up to me to avail myself of it through His power.
I know it shouldn’t have been, but this was a startling discovery for me. I needed to stop making excuses for not being patient or loving or joyful or kind or under control and utilize the very nature of the Spirit within me. Crucifying the flesh was already done when I accepted Jesus as my Savior. Now, I needed to show it through my actions (Galatians 5:22-24 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”).
I needed the gentle, reassuring words of God to cling to when I felt so spent and empty.
I needed to remember that as I was trying to care for my children—and doing so fallibly, God was carrying me perfectly (Deuteronomy 1:31 “You have seen how the Lord your God carried you, as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place.”).
When I felt so absolutely desperate and empty inside, I needed to remember and believe that He promises to satisfy my soul.
- Jeremiah 31:25 “For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish.”
- Psalm 107:9 “He satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul He fills with good things.”
- Psalm 145:16 “You open your hand; you satisfy the desire of every living thing.”
He was the only One who could give me rest in those demanding, wearying days. Escaping from my circumstances or from my children would not do it. And more than that, He freely offered rest to me.
- Proverbs 19:23 “The fear of the Lord leads to life, and whoever has it rests satisfied.”
- Matthew 11:28 “Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
I needed to be reminded of the righteous and kind character of my God.
- Psalm 145:17 “The Lord is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works.”
- Isaiah 40:11—One of my absolute favorite verses during that time. “He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.” That verse gave me a visual picture of how God cares for needy, weak people like me. He is the Good Shepherd and is particularly watchful of those who are vulnerable—those who are with young. That was me. While my life was in a constant flux, I could trust that I had a Good Shepherd leading me—and giving me special, gentle care as I needed it with my “young.”
As I look back now, I am thankful for all He did during those years—in, around, and through me and my family. He surely worked everything for my good.
I will never deny the difficulty of that time. It was impossible—clearly more than I could handle alone. But it was just the perfect path with the guidance and care of my Good Shepherd.
*Just keep speaking God’s Truth to yourself and others and keep obeying Him—no matter what you feel like.*
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Recently, I went to a funeral for the father of a friend. I have never been to a funeral in a more beautiful building–and I have been to funerals in many different beautiful churches. This one stood out to me.
It was peacefully beautiful in the dense fog.
And it was even more beautiful after the service when some of the fog had cleared.
(Clearly, out of respect, I did not take pictures of the even-more-striking inside.)
In this beautiful building, I heard the Scriptures read. I heard truth. But it was not explained.
I heard no conviction of Christ’s victory over death or confident statements that we can have assurance and hope in this life and in the life to come based solely in Him. (i.e., Romans 5:2 “Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.” & Colossians 1:27 “To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.”)
In this beautiful building, I felt the emptiness of the mourners around me. I saw the futile, misguided “re-sacrificing” of Jesus Christ (in the sacrament of communion). And, I heard the priest hopelessly say that even Jesus wasn’t happy during his life on earth, so we should not expect to be happy here either.*
Sadness filled that beautiful building. Why was there was no “hope of glory” shared with my friends?
But then again…that is my job.
That is why I reach out, make friends, and show love by going to funerals. It is my job to share the hope there is in Christ alone.
*But if this is the case, what of the many statements of God’s being our joy (i.e., Psalm 4:7 “You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound.”)? What about that fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control”)? Is that particular evidence of the indwelling Spirit out of reach? Where is the hope in this confusion?